Cirque d' Maison Blanche

Step right up folks to the greatest shitshow on earth! Grab a box of Barnum's animal cookies and a tissue because you are going to be laughing so hard you're crying, or crying so hard you're vomiting, out of all holes. So what is this? I leave for a few months and come back to what resembles a really spectacular episode of Intervention, starring El Presidente Obama with a problem of compulsive spending, only it's not on loafers and hispanic hookers, it's on the UNTIED STATES OF AMERICA and yes I meant to write untied, because the only time I can recall some good old fashioned unity was when Bin Laden was killed, and 9.11. I think the whole cabinet needs to go Debtors Anonymous, anonymity, should reel politicians right in! So basically, as of right now and climbing at an incredible rate the debt ceiling (although I don't know why they call it that because it obviously has no ceiling! HA play me off keyboard cat!) is at a fugly number $14,583,255,200,900 quasimajigachamillionum U.S DOLLARS, thats about $125 million dollars an hour 24/7 and that ain't goin' to yo' momma, thats going to Asia. The U.S has now put themselves in the position of a multi-colored old, sweaty man with a gambling problem that keeps asking for money and swears he's going to pay you back guy, and I don't mean multi-colored racially, but like you can't tell if thats poop or dirt, and what is that mauve? Essentially, I hope everyone looks good in crotchless fishnets because we're all going to get fucked, and I will not apologize for my foul mouth until the inept leader of our country apologizes for being such a big fat PHONY. Where the shittles, taste that rainblow, is all of this money going?! I realize there is Social Security, research, medicare, welfare, wars,  a lot of cashola..but then it gets my mouse running, if we are in this big of a debt pickle, why does the U.S government still insist on giving money to other countries, to greaseball politicians that receive fat checks monthly. It is substantially UN-clear to me how this got so dire, so quickly and yardy yardy yar-har everyone will point their grubby fingers at Bush, but the government is a marionette show and the faces we see are attached to the strings attached to the puppeteers that run the show, the puppeteers that have been and will continue to squander what dignity and power we may have left, and why? I don't know, maybe some secret alliance with Asia and thats why they are irreverent in panic, panic because China and Japan are going to be running this country, and every other country. Not only has the U.S been greedy, but Europe as well, that is why businesses are now Barney Rubble or have left this country. Because we have been so greedy to buy everything cheap, and where do they make that? Not here, thats why our economy is a dingle-berry blowing in the wind, because businesses here have to hike up the prices, because of all the regulations and taxes and so we are amounted to this vicious unruly cycle, because we have to hike up the prices to pay for this debt that keeps growing and the interest is obscene and AHHHH my poor enormous brain.
           I realize that the argument, and discussions that have been televised recently have been about spending cuts, but what I would like to know is why they don't have that available to be viewed by the public? I've seen the pictures, and they are adorable with the grim faces and cups of tea but what are they saying in there? For all we know they could be recounting the wonderful meatloaf they had for dinner or how excited they were to all go and see the new smurf movie after Barack yo mamabama finished his spizeech. I am sorry people but my faith in this government and country has dwindled faster than Charlie Sheen's sperm count on a Friday night at Juggalo's. (Real strip club? I hope so..)  I mean we're pretty darn low at this point I wouldn't be surprised if the next motion of action was to inaugurate SallyAnn Salsano, creator of such works as "A shot at love with Tila Tequila" or "Tool Academy" or who could forget that stroke of genius, "The Jersey Shore" which has broke some record of popularity that I could NOT be bothered to look at because I didn't want to roundhouse my computer screen. I hope to add more on this topic later, but it has been a long while since my days of blogging and with all of this asinine jambalaya I feel like my medulla oblongata, is going to medulla oblongotta-get-outta-here. Peace and Blessins. And don't forget to check out the song of the day-oh!

Naughty Naughty Al Gore

I remember not too long ago the visions of sugarplums and polar bears drowning from melting ice caps dancing in my head, yeah the polar bears and holes in o-zones and small children in commercials giving guilt trips because I left my bathroom light on last night.. Global Warming was and still is a big fat phony pink elephant breaking wind in my living room. What is burning my buttons now is that Global Warming seems faker than ads from Hydroxycut..but the citizens of the world seem to be eating it up like an addiction to pringles, once you pop you really can't stop. Just take a look at your handy weather "apps" it's cold as an eskimo's balls outside. (seriously the water pipes at my house are frozen and I fear for my hygiene)  Glaciers in Antartica and Greenland are getting thicker not thinner as some "scientists" have declared. NASA was actually caught hot tamale red-handed using weather temperatures from September for October. It's my belief that it is for gluttonous companies that are taking advantage of naive, unwary humans that have been duped into the "green scene". It's a fad that is endorsed world-wide by pretty-faced celebs driving down Santa Monica blvd in their hybrid Prius' smoking their electronic cigarettes.  Think about all the green products on the shelves these days, washers, dryers, toilet paper, diapers, back hair shavers, light bulbs are being phased out because they apparently use more energy. So now, we will have to buy and use fluorescent lights, that actually use more energy to turn on and also contain mercury, so to all you butterfingers out there, go buy some flashlights and a buttload of candles because if you drop that bulb you just may grow a third arm out of your bung hole or your brain will just take form of an avocado. Our society is mostly familiar with the "human-caused global-warming" idea, but it has been set forth that this is just the cycle the Earth naturally goes through, kinda like menstruation without the bloating and tears. Think about the human body, all of our nerves, cells, organs, veins all naturally working together within itself, when you get sick you have anti-bodies to help you heal, when you get a contusion you don't do anything to it and it heals on its own. The Earth is fundamentally the same, everything on the Earth serves a purpose, oceans, mountains, volcanoes, rivers etc. In fact, volcanoes produce the 3 amigos, sulfur dioxide, carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide among other gases, which all pollute, how come we don't see environmentalists picketing and rioting at the foot of Mt. Saint-Helen's? Sure that lava looks hot, but its polluting! And now we get to good old Al Gore, or as I like to call him Al Bore, seriously I'd rather whittle the cast of "Frasier" out of bars of soap than listen to that man speak. I never saw that chick-flick, "An Inconvenient Truth", although I heard it was a real tear-jerker,  but I'm sure he's laughing it up on his beach front home in Malibu about how convenient it was for him with all his stocks in GE and other "green" technology. It really makes me wonder why he even bought a home on the coast of California when according to him it's going to be joining Davy Jones locker soon. Maybe he's just a big Johnny Depp fan. I just get so cold and bothered thinking about all the half-truths and white-lies and chain-yankers everyone is exposed to, I feel blind and deaf when it comes to the United States and the people that run it and even my feeling is getting faulty. I can't help but feel swindled when it comes to things like Global Warming and organic and things like that because everyone is out passing the buck and only looking out for themselves. I think what we should really be concerned about is Global Greed. So put that in your cornish game hen and stuff it.
                                                         Global Warming Protestors

Nostradamnus all!!

10 10 11 11 12 12, no folks these are not the newest winning numbers to powerball, they are the dates that Senor Damus and the Mayans have concluded will be the end of time as we know it, now I remember when it was the year 2000 that was supposed to be the end of all things and my 6th grade yearbook claimed I spoke the words "Yeah my family has stocked up on canned baked beans". I would just like to make it clear that I never professed any such thing!! Libel.. As the years of the two zero's go on more and more stories have arisen claiming that the end is near according to the Bible, The National Enquirer and ancient Calendars of years past. Also more and more movies have been produced about the conviction, "The Day after Tomorrow", "2012", "Apocolyptica", "Maid in Manhattan" is anybody else worried here?? I know a few people that keep telling me 'well if it's the end it's the end and we won't be here anymore to worry about it', THATS HORRIBLE!! Also if it's the end then why don't we all just stop paying our bills and working on our hot bods and just live it up like Fat Joe and Will Smith!! Well here are the facts kids, Nostradamus was a prophet, that looked as though he was passing kidney stones, that has predicted many of the disasters that have already taken place. Such as, The Taking of the Bastille, Hitler, 9-11, Hurricane Katrina and of course Armageddon. Now personally I have read some of these predictions and he sounds like a mix between Edgar Allen Poe and that one Hobo that lives under an overpass and drives a golden shopping cart. But it's not just him, it's propaganda , it's religious terrorism, it's those damn scientists with their telescopes, alien wet dreams and dust particles (don't ask). Back to the numbers, well the question of mass terror is  what happens after 12/12/12 at probably 12:12, well I'll tell you where I'll be, I'll be sitting in my Grandpa's bomb shelter blacked out cracked out smacked out surrounded by stuffed animals and my canned baked beans and I'm going to have Black Beauty playing on repeat. I guess we're supposed to wait? So should I stop paying my bills now orrrr what's the deal? Well my good pally pal gave me her 6 cents and explained to me what she saw on a documentary is that since the time of Jesus Christo, we have been in a Piscean sky, and in the year 2012 we will be shifting over into a different sky. Is that seriously it? Because I just saw about 23 different websites that had a countdown going on. Not to mention John Cusack probably hasn't gotten out of his character from that movie thinking he's got the whole thing pegged, well screw you John CUSACK, if we're going down, you and your radio are going down with us! I guess there is also the rumored possibility that the world itself will not end but there will be a huge change, like the end of our economy and life as we now know it to be. So for example if you've seen "The Book of Eli", something like that could happen, and if this is the case do we all get sexy tattered outfits and Ray-Bans? Because that's cool I could totally pull that off, although in a world of crisis and despair I just know I'd be one of those anonymous henchmen that fall into a black hole in the very beginning, I'm just not that well-coordinated. There are so many opinions that fall over such a wide spectrum, such as those that have already gone into hiding in church basements, those with a beatlesque "Let it be" psyche and those that don't even know what day it is today and don't care, and in your cases just keep playing your World of Witchcraft or whatever that is.So now I'm here left thinking sooo why all the Doomsday banter? Is it so people lose sleep having nightmares about falling off the earth because an airplane hit another airplane and then landing in a cave that looks like the inside of a fake leg and smells worse, and then will eventually have to go on a sleep aid and be doped up for life? God... the nerve of some people... fake limbs smell terrible... Have I really just been a victim of glue sniffer scallywags? It wouldn't be the first time. And the internet isn't exactly the greatest place to get the down-low unless you want the down-down low- low strippers with polio kind of facts...So wherever you are on the spectrum of the ostensible end, my advice would be to get off the spectrum completely and Run home Charlie! Run home and don't stop until you get there!

Stoner Jams 2010

Cannabis, Whackatabacky, Juan Valdez, Goblet of Jam, Alice B. Toklas, these are a few of the things I wish everyone would shut up about. I don't know if maybe I took a bad toke (and yes I said toke, how you like me now) but I really don't see all the bo jangles about weed. Weed to me is the annoying friend that takes facebook pictures of themselves in the bathroom and quotes Wedding Crasher's on a daily basis, it's just there, stinking up your closet and totally unneccasary and pointless. It makes you paranoid, it makes you forget and it makes you think 911 knows the number to Jimmy Johns. So please enlighten me why it's so important that we legalize it? Believe me I am aware of most of the arguments but I fail to understand the importance; I suppose this is the instance where weed would make the explanation so much more enthralling. First point: Medical Usage, ok it was fine in the beginning, it was even amusing, but if your depressed I think the last thing you need is to smoke something that will make you think that if you can't recite a soliloquy from Cat in the Hat your dog ( that died 3 years ago) is going to burst out of your refridgerator and rip your face off. If you have Cancer then yes, you should be smoking like gift wrap in a fire. Second point: Stopping drug wars, as stated previously before me, what about cocaine, heroine, meth, mdma, boullion or whatever the kids are raving to these days, if we legalize marijuana it will be the same sad story with every other drug out there. The drug wars will continue to flourish as long as the crack babies still have a pipe in their hand. Third Point: Money, it has been said that if we were to "legalize it" it would make a massive profit, but think about it, everyone and their great Uncle Murray will be growing to earn an extra buck. Also, how are they going to be taxing this? I think some greasy congressman fat cats are trying to jedi mind trick us into thinking legalizing schmoke is a Denny's grand slam. But what I think is going down is it will be just another way for the government to make money and not in the good way, just think about it, they will be sure to create a grab-bag full of fun new laws that potheads country wide will be sure to break. Smoking and driving, $$$$$$, we're a country poorer than the Crachitt family and the current DUI industry is cashing in faster than you can say Jagerbombs. People high as George Jetson are bound to do stupid shite and the esteemed law enforcers of our country will no doubt be hiding out behind every Taco Bell to bust some ass. I can just see it now GRASS grandmothers really against silly stoners. Now for those of you that think that if alcohol is legal then marijuana should be as well, well might I just say that prohibition doesn't work, indubitably, you cant ween a hungry baby from the teet and we are the baby and alcohol is the teet. Also this teet earns hundreds of billions of dollars a year. It's stated that 3750 should be legalized because it isn't as dangerous as booze, drinking and driving causes more deaths than any marijuana involved accident. This is, to a certain extent, arguable go rent "Reefer Madness" and then we'll talk. I can't help but feel bitter towards yerba mala because I have a secret fear of stoners, they just give me the creeps with their untamed coifs, hillbilly chuckle and incessant craving for melted blocks of sharp cheddar cheese. Now its time for me to get camp counselor on you, marijuana is what I like to call a "gateway drug", don't you think once its legal people will try to find another high perhaps chase the white pony or just sit behind a dumpster and shove some crack rocks up their nose. But this is a case where we just have to sit back and watch the bud florets fall while singing Cumbaya my lord Cumbaya indeed. Tell me your thoughts!!

Your mom is made in China

I think I just discovered what the plot of what Mission Impossible 7 should be: picture this Tom Cruise all sweaty, nipples hard  and going into Banana Republic going through rack after rack of clothes, close up to his dilated pupils and he sheds a single tear then move down to his quivering mouth and he quietly says"...My god....it's all made in...in...China...". Well if it is just being brought to your attention that nearly everything that can be sold essentially is made in Asia, then someone needs to give you a purple nurple or just punch you in the temple. For years now China has grabbed the U.S by the ballios and has been making a killing making everything, and for incredibly cheap. They're making an incredible profit because they use shoddy materials and sometimes they'll even throw in some led or diethylene glycol, suprise! that barbie's flammable too!  This all was brought to my attention when my beautiful stubborn as mule mother began boycotting chinese made products, not only has she made it abundantly clear to our family that she won't buy from China but if we're in a store she'll go an octave higher while saying to the store clerk "I don't buy chinese products". Being that the coconut doesn't fall far from the palm tree, I have also been keeping my ojo's open while seeing where the things I buy are made. I guarantee 90%(if not more) of the things in your home are from China or Indonesia or Korea or Taiwan etc. Now it wasn't too long ago that Americans could be proud to say they were from USA, we were the number one country in the world, we had our shizzle togizzle,  we were importing and exporting like Vandalay industries, job opportunities were fruitful, and people named "Snooki" weren't famous, needless to say business was booming, and people actually cared about the Dow and Nasdaq because it wasn't such a joke. Now you can say tomato about how we went downhill and I can say clamato but the fact of the matter is we went down like a hooker trying to get out of a ticket. And we somehow ended up in the lap of China. They make everything and when I say everything I mean they make it all from toilets to graham crackers. Next time you're in a parking lot just take a look at all the Hyundai's, Toyota's, Kia's, Suzuki's and Shitzu's.  Now when you become like me and start looking at the tags, you'll see the companies are trying to pull the wool over our eyes and say things like "assembled in USA" so then it's like "oh ok so now you're bringing the chinese puzzle pieces over and having the mexicans put them together here" sorry Kemosabe try again. Do you guys remember the fabled stimulus bill well it kind of backfired a little something like this, Obama gave money back to people that went and bought a bunch of shit to "stimulate" our economy, I know what you're thinking it sounds smart and it sounds sexual. Well it would've been smart except for everything that was bought was brought to you by CHINA. So we actually just stimulated their economy to the point of blue balls. And it's not even just the fact that we're helping their economy, they're emitting poisons into all these things we buy. Toothpaste made with a chemical also put in antifreeze, lead in children's toys, wheat gluten in dog food that was contaminated with melamene. With all due respect to Asia, but it's a filthy continent that is wayyyy overpopulated and must just have disease chillin at your neighborhood grocery store, and I said with all due respect, but it's scary and I don't even think there is a book over there in which to follow. It's been said it's a dog eat dog world and they take it seriously over there, like they eat dog and sparrow and things I didn't even know existed. I mean don't you think it's sad that our fancy ipods and espresso machines were most likely made by an 11 year old with a fly-on-face problem? I think it's a crying shame because I also don't think anything will change, because when your at Target buying bowls your going to buy the cheaper bowls. Or if you're shopping and you have enough money to either buy one nice French Connection blouse or 5 from Forever 21, unfortunately you're most likely going to go skank it up at F21 where the smell of pleather is so thick you can cut it with a butter knife. That brings me to a whole other enchilada, even good named brands, expensive brands, are having their things made in effing china!!? I'm sure as hell not buying a pair of heels for 180 U.S dollhairs that were made in Indo for 50,000 rupiahs ($2). Since when did quantity rudely replace quality? I want names and addresses and then I want about 100 dozens of eggs. Seriously we're loading the guns ourselves, providing the red blindfold and lighting our own damn cigarettes. I want everyone that reads this to go a few days without buying anything from china, not to be  trying to boycott anything but just so you can see the madness for yourselves. Become aware son! It's coo I promise

Move over Hogwarts!!

A $578 million dollar school in L.A? This is the worst thing that has come from California since the KKK (Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian). Did I just dream that California was balls deep in debt? Man, with a price tag like that this school better have an engine and wings to burst out into space. Seriously though is this a joke, I think Ahnold may be suffering from blackouts and thought he was Detective John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop the sequel, or maybe this is P. Diddy’s newest reality show on MTV. It’s a K-12 school that houses 4200 students, now who is going to be teaching these students is a whole other story, seen as how teachers will probably have to be paid in trident gum. Maybe that’s why L.A could afford it, they’re taking that commercial way too seriously, I’m afraid you won’t be able to walk down a street in California without slipping on all the marbles that apparently everyone has lost. Ok I need to just get this off my chest, STOP THINKING WE’RE RAPPER RICH AND CAN AFFORD TO BE SPENDING MONEY ON VELVET CHAIRS, GOLDEN PROTRACTORS AND P.F CHANGS SCHOOL LUNCHES! That money could’ve been used to put teachers back in the classroom and good books back into students’ hands. I am so not going to be surprised when teachers that have been laid off go Woo Bum-kon on everyone’s asses.  Now how they’re justifying this is that kids learn better in more pleasant surroundings. Ok first of all I think that the only thing kids will learn from this school is that they better take advantage of being in such a luxurious setting because in about 5 years we’re going to be living in a barren wasteland run by Communists. Second of all you don’t need marble clad classrooms for kids to learn how to conjugate verbs. I can’t help but shake in my Lucchese boots in fear for the future of the United States, I mean what’s next a 600 million dollar Costco with hovering grocery carts and brew your own beer and diamond studded tampons? Come on let’s pull ourselves together here USA, we can’t be as dumb as we’re portraying ourselves especially now with multi-million dollar schools, those kids better come out of there smarter than God himself. I will admit that the architecture expressed is genius and am glad that kids will be exposed to something so great but will they all really appreciate it or take it for granted and stick gum under the mahogany desks. I guess we shall see. 

Blogs Schmogs

Three years ago if you were to have told me I was going to be writing a blog I probably would've kicked you in the plums, maybe even taken some money from you for a sundae. Essentially, I didn't even know what a blog was and the word just rubs me the wrong way, but being older and much much, much wiser (thank you wisdom teeth removal) I think the idea is brilliant, there are a lot of psychopaths running around out there that need to be writing while that mouse up there is running, or reading all of the interesting things that other psychopaths have to say. But at the age of 22 and living on a ranch 20 some miles away from the Mexican border, I find now is just a good a time as any. So that brings me to the first topic of Paulytics, The Mexican Border. In the great words of Eddie Money, "So we rode late in the night like fires on the desert sand
'til one day the posse caught us 'cause the sheriff always gets his man, Give me some water 'cause I killed a man on the Mexican border cool cool water I need a little water". I'm not going to get in the depths of the meaning of the song but I just want to highlight the fact that the sheriff does not always get his man but he sure gets close especially these days. The other night my mom found the border patrol strolling through our backyard with flashlights. I would just like to make it known that having lived here and visiting here practically my whole life I have yet to see one wetback, border crosser, mojado or illegal alien. It's almost as though their some mythological creature just leaving clues behind, such as empty gallons of water, food city grocery bags and chile limon sabritas, if I didn't know any better I would think they were leaving a trail for the rest of the Fernandez family. Driving into the city part, if you can call it that, of Nogales you can see the great wall of gringos looking like a furrowed brow on a face. I suppose I would call my opinion of the illegal immigration matter ambivalent, because on one hand yes, they are taking some job opportunities away from U.S citizens, but on a completely different hand there are illegal immigrants from all over the world but its only the Mexicans that are being ostracized. I totally think racism is the hand being played here. It has been stated that white supremecsist groups had been pushing the passed law through to legalize discrimination.  As a member of the BPA (brown people association) I will be super pissed if I get stopped because I have dark coloring, not only because thats racist but because my driver's license is suspended and I am currently riding dirty. I think everyone needs to get off the meanie train and hop on to the friends forever railroad all colors allowed, yes even you Grimace with your purple hue. Unfortunately racism is force that has been just underneath the surface for hundreds of years, and I don't think will be going away anytime soon, but if we shine enough light on it now hopefully soon we'll be able to pinpoint the sources. Right now as an Arizonianite I want to find out more about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and find out how he puts his pants on in the morning, I'll bet he drinks his coffee black, like his heart!!! So stay tuned